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June 03, 2010
Traumatic
This post is going to be about something disturbing and traumatic that I saw today, so if you are easily upset about the condition of the world, please don't read on.
This morning, Jason and I were biking along the beautiful beach path from the Pacific Palisades, through Santa Monica and down towards Venice Beach. We were having a particularly good time together, and I felt a sense of safety and well-being, which is not a common thing for me.
I looked out over the rolling waves of the ocean, and I felt a certain goodness and thankfulness in my being. There has been so much trauma and stress this year, and it is still inside my physical body: without warning my muscles engage and lock into tight knots, a wash of debilitating poison flows through my veins, and I brace for the onslaught of emotional and psychological terror. It usually results in a migraine or the inability to sleep and ensuing exhaustion. My body has reacted this way since I was a small child.
To combat this instinct, now that much of the trauma seems to come in aftershocks and we seem to be out of the epicenter of crisis, I've had to deliberately focus on good things, being mindful of my thoughts and essentially running them through a sieve. So this morning, while I was biking by the sea, I was breathing in deeply on purpose; intentionally filling my lungs with the goodness and beauty that was surrounding me in order to chase away some of the vast lingering darkness and anxiety.
We wound our way around the sandy, serpentine path and talked, and I felt a sense of simply being. I was actually present in the moment and not in my usual state of fighting being worried about what horrific thing may be right around the corner.
As I was riding along, I looked around and to my right I saw the sand, the gentle waves of the beautiful Pacific Ocean. To my left, green and towering mountains. The Santa Monica pier in the distance and white gulls flying overhead. The wind was at my back, and my defenses were down. I mean, if there's anywhere to let my guard down, it's on that beach path. The beauty of my surroundings was enough to fill my mind if I let it, and I wanted to let it. To push away the trauma that I've carried inside myself for so long. The chaos-stained world that is my internal reality much of the time faded into the background, and I was content to leave it there. What would I possibly encounter on a quiet Thursday morning, riding a bike by the sea, during time I had set aside to deliberately put aside my worries?
As we rounded into the beach town of Venice, we saw a yellow-taped-off square of space at the entry of a store front. A small crowd of people stood and looked on, as if there was a show about to start. Jason asked me if they were shooting a movie. I glanced over. Then I saw it.
The dead body of a young man, a white death-cloth haphazzardly thrown over him and blood pouring from his temple, lay eerily still on the sidewalk.
The thing that I cannot erase from my mind is the techno-music blaring from the beach store that was the backdrop for the crime. An obvious tourist was snapping pictures with his digital camera. People were shopping in the adjacent shops. There were two police cars near-by, but no officers. No one was scurrying around, there was no sense of immediacy or crisis. A young man with new-looking black canvas One-Stars had been shot in the head and lay lifeless on the sidewalk, and no one seemed to be doing anything.
Why didn't someone turn off the music? Where was the respect for his life? All I could think was, this is someone's little boy. Somewhere there is a mother who has no idea that her son lays dead on the sidewalk on a quiet Thursday morning in front of a shop on the beach.
I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up. We instinctively turned our bikes around and started riding back towards our starting point. I tried to maintain strength to move myself away from the scene and not black out from the shock of it, and to do so I had to force myself to think of other things. The wind blowing into my face, and sand crunching and crackling under my bike tires.
Innocent, happy people biked toward Venice, toward the dead body, and as I rode, I had an overwhelming compulsion to warn them to turn around. But I was unable. I envisioned myself slamming my bike in front of the oncoming traffic and screaming, "A boy has been shot up ahead and they don't have the human decency to turn off the fucking throbbing techno music! Turn back-- please don't go any further!"
But I didn't. I couldn't. All I could do was pedal ahead, shocked, ashamed, powerless to save anyone from anything. I've never been more aware of that in my life than I am now. Every day, I will continue to see those who are sprawled out, alone and bleeding on the sidewalk, and those who are obliviously headed toward the trauma that is this existence. And there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it.
Posted by darbydinatale on June 3, 2010 06:42 PM
Comments
I'm really sorry that that whole experience happened - of course for the victim of whatever occurred, but also for you, that you saw it. Such a tragedy, and really so surreal and strange. It's strange how memory and traumatic events work - because I didn't even notice (or remember noticing) the techno music at all. And I did see police officers, though they were standing in the open doors of their cars, casually talking with each other. No coroner there, no sirens. No one investigating anything. Such a horrible, weird, tragic moment.
Posted by: jason on June 4, 2010 01:41 AM
I can envision it all too well and that, alone, absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that you and Jason witnessed such a traumatic event. It's beyond sad to think that this violent loss was treated with such casual indifference - as if its occurrence was/is so matter of fact; and yet, as you so aptly point out - this was a life, a mother's son, a best friend, someone who loved and dreamed, who was a part of the world. It's as if all sense of perspective ceases to exists (The tourist, the shoppers, the gawkers, even the Police) and respect, emotion, empathy and sympathy, reverence - the very elements of our humanity - are so quickly cast aside. So terribly, terribly sad.
Posted by: Doc on June 4, 2010 05:29 AM
Oh, Darby, how horrible! I am so sorry that happened and that you and Jase saw it! That is so sad and shocking. I will pray God brings healing to your heart and mind and spirit and fills you with his peace.
Posted by: Kathie on June 4, 2010 06:23 AM
That's so sad, Darby. Life is fragile, ephemeral, and can be stolen. But that which steals life does not win. Each breath you take, word you write and day you live is a testimony to the persistence of life and what is good in it. Those who are aware of and who are shocked by meaningless death are the most alive. It is right to be angry about it. It is right to want a life of safety and peace. These feelings contribute to living in a way that makes the world a better place. I see your feelings and responses as much more healthy and alive than those gawking or chatting around the murder scene. That said, I hope for healing so you can feel safe again.
Posted by: Mike on June 4, 2010 11:15 AM
I'm so sorry you and Jason had to see that, Darby. It is so odd the way something so horrible can become so casual and mundane for some people (the police officers that have to deal with it every day). Of course, I am glad that some people can deal with it for us and I'm sure that's the way they have to since they just can't lose it at every crime scene, but I would be just like you in that situation.
(The tourist taking pictures, however?? WTF? Who does that??)
Posted by: Mandy Hornbuckle on June 4, 2010 12:24 PM
Darb..i am so sorry that you saw that..how horrific..i will pray for peace to fill your heart and also that poor guy's family and friends..
Posted by: sare on June 4, 2010 01:21 PM
First of all...that is horrible about the shot guy. I probably would have freaked out and barfed. Secondly, it is the worst when you are having a great time and something so traumatic happens. goodness is ruined. I'm so sorry, Darb.
Posted by: mers on June 4, 2010 04:53 PM
UPDATE...we found out today that it was a suicide. A 21yr old man jumped from his hotel room above the Venice Boardwalk stores. He did leave a note. I think what seemed like lack of concern amongst the people on the sidewalk, was probably shock....since many witnessed the jump. Not sure about that person taking pictures though, that was pretty out of line. Either way, still a very tragic event.
Posted by: jeanok on June 4, 2010 07:49 PM
Darb, that is so, so terrible; so sorry for you and for Jase, and for that guy and his family.
I know that crazy feeling when you just want to stop all those other people from encountering something like that, but you just can't seem to do a thing. The swirl of wanting things to be at peace, the horrible realization that things aren't, and hopefully not, but maybe even guilt that you were doing okay prior to that moment.
Hope you don't continue to feel bad about not stopping other people. I have a feeling that it just wasn't the right time to say anything, and some might have ridden on out of curiousity even if you had said something. Maybe there will be a perspective from this you will be able to use for good. Honestly, I know there are a lot of people who would say how strong you are, and how helpful you have been to them.
Prayers for you guys and for this fellow's family. Such a tragedy.
Posted by: Chris on June 4, 2010 11:44 PM
this is tragic. how terrible that it happened and that you saw it right after...his poor family...and how strange that it was in the midst of such beauty. How inconsistent. His poor, poor family...
Posted by: jessic on June 5, 2010 12:49 AM
oh dear...being as sensitive as you are to others feelings, i know this must be so hard to accept....so sorry for the guy...for his family and friends and so sorry for you darbs.....
Posted by: mom on June 5, 2010 04:39 AM
Darb... I was shocked to hear you had a colision of polar opposite moments. I could feel the heart wrenching shock that must have jeered your senses. I am so sorry you saw that... So sorry that a perfect moment crashed into a horrid one... With no warning... so quickly. Your poor spirit must have agonized over it all. Praying for your peace, dear friend.
Posted by: Min on June 6, 2010 08:54 PM