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May 07, 2009
waking up crying
For the second time in the past week, I woke up crying today.
It is so strange to wake up crying, because you're feeling something so strongly before you really have time to process it.
In both dreams, I dreamt that I was with my grandfather again. He was happy and he put his arm around me and hugged me. I was happy, but then I started crying, because I knew it wouldn't last. I knew he would soon be gone. I wanted to hold onto him. But I knew I couldn't.
In my dreams, I love being with him again. But it hurts so much, because it's not for real, and I realize that in my dream and even more upon waking. He is gone. Sometimes the grief overtakes me, and I can't breathe from all the crying.
I always knew I would miss my grandfather when he died. Sometimes, because I live so far away from home, I go about my life and forget for a moment that he is gone. But then it hits me all over again, and it's as painful as the day I saw him for the very last time.
My sister Lindsay said that losing him feels like "a brilliant star just went out." That is exactly how it feels. For some reason when he died, something strong and good and safe that I had always counted on was extinguished.
And I wonder if I will continue every now and then to wake up crying throughout the rest of my life...
Posted by darby on 08:50 PM | Comments (1)