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July 26, 2008
A Hermit
I don't know how many people know this about me, but I would be happy to live in the middle of nowhere and be completely isolated. This is no reflection whatsoever on the people I love. I have come to terms with the fact that I mostly just want to be alone.
I have a problem that keeps happening over and over again. I am an introvert who really loves people. Because of my love for people, I think I give off the impression that I am an extrovert or someone who likes to get together a lot. But to be honest, it is exhausting for me.
I have many people in my life whom I love so much and really care about. If you are reading this, you are probably one of them. Perhaps you have noticed that I am very difficult to get ahold of much of the time. Perhaps you even feel like I don't care about you because of that. You are not alone. I am afraid that most of the people I really love think that I don't care. It plagues me day and night.
Almost everyone in my life has asked me at some point, "Have I done something to hurt you? Because I feel like you have pulled away." Even more people say to me, "You never answer my phone calls, you never call me back..." I would just like to make a grand apology. If someone is looking for a friend who will be in touch on a regular basis, I am going to let you down. I'm sure I already have at one point or another. I don't like to talk on the phone... it is just something I have come to terms with.
I am actually a hermit.
I say this right now because I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions here at home. It's not even so much things people say to me as it is a general feeling of knowing that I am letting people down. I am pretty much just trying to keep my head above the water most days. Trying to take care of my children. Trying to survive.
It takes a lot of energy to make my voice sound like I am doing ok. It takes a lot of energy to make my face look like I am not completely falling apart. This is part of the reason i just really don't like to be around people, no matter how much I love them. Ask Jason. He will probably tell you that I am always trying to escape to be alone, mostly driving by myself, but now because that is completely environmentally irresponsible, I head off to the woods.
Jason once made a joke about me which is really true. There is a book about people with a personality disorder whose biggest fear is abandonment. The book is called, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." He said that my book should be called, "I Love You, Please Leave Me Alone."
I think I have given the wrong impression to people throughout my life, and I don't know how to change it. My dream would be for people to know that I really truly love them very deeply, and that they wouldn't feel hurt if I rarely see them or even talk to them. That I would be the kind of friend who is just somewhere out there in the universe, caring about you, and that some day our paths will cross and we will most likely have a heart to heart as if no time had passed.
Anyway... I am a hermit. I am admitting this to myself and now to you. Please forgive me. I am a hermit.
Posted by darby on 09:00 PM | Comments (18)
July 23, 2008
I Don't Know What To Say
I am home for the summer. I don't know what to say. I haven't written in a while.
I guess I feel pretty protective of myself right now. I feel pulled into a million directions, and split into a million pieces. It's not anything anyone else is doing... it's all my own internal mess pressing in on me. My precariously-built house of cards falling down...
I was running today. I have gotten out of the habit. It is so hard to get started again. The air outside is so heavy and hot, it clings to me, it sticks to me, it weighs me down. One foot in front of the other, again and again and again and again until I find a rhythm.
Finding a rhythm is kind of like falling asleep. I usually don't really remember when it happens, but all of a sudden I'm not thinking about running anymore, I'm thinking about other things and moving effortlessly. Today it felt like I was trying to run through oatmeal. It was laborious, grueling, exhausting. I had to think about it the entire time. One foot in front of the other, breathe...keep going...breathe...keep going.
Sometimes life feels that way, too...
Posted by darby on 09:23 PM | Comments (4)