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May 21, 2008
I Want To Want What Is Good For Me
I love chocolate. I love candy. I love decadent pastries, filled donuts and coffee that is white with Sweet Italian Creme Creamer. I love cake with lots and lots and lots of frosting. I love chewy brownies with chocolate chips in them.
I love huge bowls of pasta. I love pancakes and french toast and waffles all drenched in syrup. I love eating and eating and eating and eating until I nearly feel sick. I love beer. I love rum. I love being so drunk that everything is finally ok. I love escaping... anything that makes me feel momentarily ok... I love.
While it's happening.
Afterwards, not so much.
I don't love the weight I've gained. I don't love hangovers. I don't love the crash after eating a bag of swedish fish. I don't love feeling so full that it hurts to breathe.
I want to want what is good for me. I want to want to do what is right for me. I wonder if it will always be such a battle. I wonder if it's possible for me to get to the point where I actually WANT to do what will be better for me in the long run. I've actually met people like that. They enjoy being healthy. Sincerely, literally enjoy it. They have said that you go through the struggle for a while, but then eventually you know how much better you feel when you take care of your body, and the good outweighs the bad....
I just want to feel better.
Posted by darby on 02:54 PM | Comments (14)
May 07, 2008
Still Going to Boot Camp
It's been a week and a half of boot camp, and I'm still feeling it.
I think the hardest part has been waking up so early. It makes me anxious in the middle of the night because I'm afraid that I have to wake up soon. Waking up at 4:45 feels like waking up in the middle of the night to me.
I definitely feel better mentally when I go. Over the weekend-- when I didn't go-- I felt pretty bad again. There was a definite difference. Exercising that hard for an hour every day seems like it helps. I don't think I can continue to wake up that early after boot camp is over... especially because it means I have to go to bed at 9, which is just about 1/2 hour after my kids finally fall asleep. Maybe I could wake up at 5:30 instead.
I will write the lyrics of the songs I have written soon, and hopefully post the songs themselves, even though they are not good recordings.
Posted by darby on 09:45 PM | Comments (3)