because of you, I don't feel so alone.
-fub

D, I admire you. You are boldly facing this "emptiness" in the hope for mercy, solace, and comradery. I try to understand the depth of this torment and the seathing feelings of despair that it brings. But I honestly cannot even imagine how you feel when this emptiness screams in your ears the ways you describe it. I have on the otherhand, understood peacefulness and the way I would describe it is simply a sense of feeling free from anything that hinders you. It is a feeling of pure rightness with the moment you're in. And if I could give it to you I would... in a heartbeat ... as I am sure many others would too.

I have experienced the emptiness that you describe. I have had periods of it that have lasted years. That void that cannot be filled with anyone or anything. However, I have had the gift of peace as well. I agree with Min. It is this feeling that you have nothing weighing you down. When there is quiet on the outside there is also quiet on the inside.You do not hear the voices that usually taunt you. You do not feel that demon clawing at your insides. You are able to notice the trees and the flowers and they bring you joy instead of the sadness of not being able to enjoy them. I would give my left nut for you to experience it.(What? I am eating cashews)(JK)

the emptiness...I like that I now have a name for it. It reminds me of when someone asks me, "What's wrong?" and I know there is something "wrong" but I can never describe what it is. I also try to fill it with so many other things consciously hurting others in the process. I feel regret over the selfishness that comes from trying to fill the void. I feel stupid for not being able to appreciate life for what it is.

I feel an emptiness like you describe and I do my damnedest to hide it away. I don't have the courage that you have to live in an honesty that embraces all of life's difficulties. I am afraid that if faced it, it would overtake me and crush those around me.

You will probably never know how much it means to me to read this blog and to watch you fight off your deamons. It gives me hope and it makes me know that I can keep going. Please know that you have helped someone who desperately needs it.

I don't know you, but I read your blog. This latest entry resonates so strongly with me. Thank you for your courageous honesty. You help me more than you'll ever know.

P.S. Your husband is a very, very lucky man to have you.

Darbs, forgive me. I think that I avoided commenting on this post because I didn't want to remember my own struggles.

I don't think of my experience as with emptiness. I think that I felt myself to be filled with rottenness. It stank and bubbled up and said "see what filth you really are?" But my response was similar to yours with your emptiness - I tried to muffle it with this and that, and it soaked though and showed itself again.

And when I got to the end of what I could handle and I looked to end it all, Father made that impossible for me. He showed me the implications of the choice I was making, and I couldn't, couldn't do it. So I made the only choice I could - I said, "OK, I'm yours. I don't know how to do this, but I have to follow You." And I don't know what difference it made, but it did, and things got better.

I'm not saying that you need to surrender more. I don't know how much you have surrendered, or even if that is what He wants you to focus on right now. What I am saying is that at the end of my strength and in my utter weakness and lack, He somehow brought me back up. It can happen. He can do it. I know, I know, I know He can do it for you.

Please Father. Please help Darby. Please bring Family who can help her. We love her so.

Peaj.

Darby,
I am new to your blog; I started reading it 06/10th. It is now very early Thursday morning (06/12) and I have just read "Emptiness". I feel like I am getting to know you for the first time. I appreciate your candor. Maybe you don't think this about yourself, but I think you are very brave. To share so much of yourself, to open the book of your life for everyone to read and comment on, is incredibly brave. To hang in there, and continue to "write in hope", is courageous, as well.

Your post is really making me think. I have had difficult things happen in my life. I have experienced loneliness, rejection, fear, rage, emptiness, pain; I have been a victim and I have victimized others. I have tried to fill, salve, and soothe with many different things, only to discover that they promised more than they delivered. I do not write this to say that my experience was worse than anyone else's, only to say all of that pales in comparison to the peace that now permeates my life. I do not know if I can adequately describe it, but I will make the attempt. A number of years ago it seemed like every prayer prayed for me was for peace. At the time, I wanted other things, but now I cannot imagine what I could have received that could ever take the place of the peace I was given. It has made all the difference in my life. On my refrigerator there is a magnet (where else do magnets go anyway?!) with a quote about peace by some unknown person. It states: "Peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." I like that quote, so much that I write it on my journals; it doesn't completely convey the fulness of what peace means to me, but it's a good place to start. Having peace does not mean that suddenly everything, or every moment, is perfect, or even okay. There are still difficult situations, circumstances, or people, to deal with. It also does not mean that I always handle these things the right way, either. What I do have, however, is the absolute certainty that good will come out of it all, no matter what transpires. There is a feeling of being protected, of being safe from every harmful thing. I am in that place of peace and it is like being in a strong tower. I can look out from that tower and see the enemy encamped all around, but that enemy can't get near me. (Liz Fitzgibbons has a song called "My Strong Tower" that describes this, and it comes from a scripture verse, too...but don't ask me which one, I forget where it is.) Sometimes I feel like I am in a bubble. I can see everything going on around me, but I float above it. That feeling of peace is not just something I am experiencing now, it has also touched my past. Bad things happened back then, but they have no power to hurt me anymore. Peace reaches out to touch my future, as well. I am not afraid of tomorrow, I am not anxious or worried about the road ahead because peace has gone before me and made a way where there was none. That does not mean I know the way, but I know the way is there. I don't just hope for these things, I know they exist. I do not begin to understand the peace God has been so gracious to give me. I am thankful I do not need to understand it in order for it to be present and operative in my life. I don't know if this helps you in any way, Darby, I hope it does. I will be praying for you. Much love and blessing on your head.