I know it must be possible. I know it must be possible for me to get my mind/spirit to the place where I am just ok. Where I am just at peace when it is just a peaceful day and there is no stressful circumstance. Where the baseline, the default is set to normal. Normal being, "nothing outside of myself is traumatic at the moment, so I don't need to react like it is."

Right now, I am sitting in a bright room overlooking beautiful flowers, palm trees, and green mountains. The sun is low in the sky, and the clouds around it are illuminated. Objectively, it is beautiful. Inside me, there is torment and noise.

Troubled obsessions, cyclical and swirling. The deep emptiness and hunger eating away from the inside. The intense desire to not ever have existed. Knowing that is an impossibility, I ache to escape somehow. I am claustrophobic inside myself, clawing and desperate to get out. Trying to maintain normalcy on the outside; suffocating within. This can't be how people are meant to exist. And yet it is how I have always been. During some periods of my life the torment has been a little more sublimated than others. But it has always been there, and I don't know life without it. I don't know why. I was born this way.

There is nothing wrong with my circumstances. I have an incredibly wonderful family and supportive and loving friends. I live in one of the most beautiful places I've ever experienced. I lack nothing on the outside. But inside... inside...the way I describe the inside makes me feel like a broken record. Please forgive me. It is, and has always been, a terrifying place. I am my enemy. I am inside my own prison. There must be a way to change this. I know it is up to me. What is left to do? I would do it.

I have been through four years of therapy. I am on two different kinds of medication. I have done years of inner healing. I have gone through hours upon hours of all kinds of deliverance. I have asked Jesus to save me. I think he must want me to save myself.

I am trying. I am trying. It must be possible. It must. I tell myself this, over and over.

I cannot give into this screaming inside to self destruct. Breathe in, breathe out. I will learn how to be ok.