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January 11, 2008
The Transition Back To California
I went home to Delaware (and Pennsylvania and Maryland) for Christmas, and stayed almost four weeks. I just cannot seem to grasp that this is my life now...living in LA, with home as a place I go on vacation.
Right now I am sitting outside of my house, and the sun is shining on me in a perfect way. The sky is so cloudlessly blue. The mountains are so vibrantly green. The ocean is glimmering and sparkling, and there are hummingbirds floating from tropical flower to tropical flower. Tall palm trees grow majestically towards the sky.
It is beautiful here. I think I was more sad to be at home, because I would look at my family and friends and realize that soon it would all be gone. I dreaded leaving, and sometimes it kept me from being able to be in each moment.
It is peaceful here. I wake up and see the ocean and the mountains outside my window. I get my kids off to school and have the thing I've longed for most over the past eight years... time to myself. Freedom. This morning I went up a mountain trail to a waterfall.
I don't deserve these good things. I don't deserve to live in such a beautiful place when there are people all over the world who don't have food. There are people-- who are much better people than I am--who struggle day after day to make ends meet. I stuggle with the good things in my life, because I can't seem to reconcile within myself the "why" of it all. I can't seem to find an answer; good things don't seem to correlate to what people do or do not deserve. At least as far as I can see.
Nothing has a simple answer. Nothing at all, when you really think about the question.
Posted by darby on 03:06 PM | Comments (6)