I am glad to report that for the first time ever in public, my hands weren't shaking when I played. I did have a few moments when I completely forgot the next chord, the next words...but at least my hands weren't shaking. This might not seem like a huge deal, but to me it is very monumental, because trying to play the piano with fingers that are unable to stay where you put them, well, it's not easy. It's just scary.
And it just makes everything get progressively worse. Cause I see myself shaking, and I make mistakes cause I can't keep my fingers on the right notes, and then I get more nervous, then my hands shake more, then I make more mistakes, then the keyboard looks unfamiliar altogether. . . .

But not tonight.

I don't think my voice was shaking either. I'd say I felt more comfortable while I was playing than I ever have before. I did, however, experience the nagging "You sucked and everyone wanted you to shut up the whole time you were up there" voice that usually haunts me after I play, talk, or do anything in front of anyone. But to tell you the truth, I am so happy that I wasn't shaking that I don't even care if it sucked. I am just ecstatic that it's even possible for me to perform without shaking. I really hope this wasn't a one time thing. I hope my hands and voice never shake again.

My sister Merry was there and I was so glad she was. She was singing along to the one old song I sang (End of You)...just like a real fan! Thanks, Mer!!

The benefit was also an auction, and I bid on some horseback riding lessons for Lyric, and I won them. So at the end, the names of the winners were read, and people had to come up to the front of the church to collect the paper describing what they had one. Maybe I was just excited that I performed without debilitating anxiety, or maybe I had had too much coffee, but when they called my name for winning the horseback riding lessons, I was overtaken and started galloping to the front of the room.

Why?

I have no idea, honestly. I think I lost my mind for a minute. But it was too late, by the time I realized I was galloping, I was almost to the front of the room. But not completely to the front of the room, unfortunatley. Because at some point while I was still galloping, I tripped. Not as badly as I could have...I caught myself....I didn't fly forward and land on my face. I tripped enough to make the ridiculous galloping look suddenly pitiful. Then i really lost it. I got really loud and laughed, "Whoa! I almost landed on my face!" Thinking all the while, what the @#$* are you doing? where is your brain and what insane horse has taken over your body? what possessed you to think that galloping was a good idea? galloping alone in front of a large group of silent people=NOT COOL. Possibility of turning it into something cool at any point midgallop= 0%.

Then I heard Merry cackling from across the room. With the look that I have seen a million times throughout my life. The look that says, "I'm laughing partially because it's funny and partially because I feel completely sorry you, idiot."

But it's understood that if she didn't laugh, then I would be a serious social mistake as opposed to a comical one, and the latter is definitely preferable.

My battery is running out. Figuratively and literally. So goodnight.