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March 24, 2006
A Mean Stranger
Sometimes lately I have trouble containing all of the horribleness inside. I feel like there's someone inside my head screaming obscenities, someone who just wants to destroy things, someone who wants to get into a car, drive away, and never come back.
This is especially something I struggle with when I am tired...when my children have woken me up several times a night for days on end. I start to feel a little insane.
It is compounded even further when I am unable to escape a cute but sometimes beastly three year old child screaming in a high-pitched whine-squeal. One who follows me around from room to room.
Isn't that a form of torture in some places? Being deprived of sleep and then screamed at? It's gotta be.
Anyway, lately I have just been struggling with so much inside of myself. It's always a dark place, but I can usually keep it contained and keep it from affecting other people. But for the past few days, I have been having trouble being kind to my family. I am easily angered, frustrated, scary.
I have been going to therapy for two and a half years, but I have also been actively working since I was 18 on becoming a healed person inside. What I want more than anything is to be a safe person. Especially for my children. A mother who will be consistently kind. One they can trust with their hearts. I'm not trying to be perfect. Just not...kind when it's easy and then every once in a while--unexpectedly-- completley scary.
Have you ever had the experience of someone turning on you? Someone you trusted with all of your heart? Just all of a sudden, they get a look in their eye...and it's not the same person inside anymore. It's a mean stranger in the body that used to belong to a safe and trusted person.
For the past couple of days, as I have struggled, my daughter Lyric has become more and more distant. Like a sullen teenager. Talking back more. She wouldn't let me come near her. Finally, tonight I said, "Are you upset because of how grumpy I have been for the past couple of days?" and she started wailing, like her heart was broken. She said, "It wasn't you anymore. You were acting like a mean stranger." She just sobbed and ran into my arms.
It broke my heart. I don't want to be a mean stranger, but I feel like sometimes the mean stranger takes me over. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the responsibility that is on my shoulders....these two small people are looking to me to create reality for them for a while, while they are in their formative years.
I feel unqualified for the job--a lot. I just want to be consistently safe for them. More than anything in the world, I want to be a safe person.
Again, all I can do is continue with the process. Of trying to become whole inside so I have wholeness to give them.
So that some day there will be no room at all for the mean stranger.
Posted by darby on March 24, 2006 09:05 PM
Comments
Wow, Darb. That is powerful stuff. I sometimes think that the desire for something is the beginning of acquiring that something. Just the fact that you are so honest with yourself--and even others, which is, I think, way harder at times--is amazing, though I know it doesn't feel like that at all. But, really--you are definitely not in denial, and your honesty and humility leave God room to really bring change in you, I think. Also, one thing that strikes me about my parents--whom I love so much--is not that they are perfect or never hurt me or never messed up; it is that they are people who do ask forgiveness when they do wrong and rely on God to help them through their weaknesses. Actually growing up face to face with honest people who knew they needed God was a more powerful teaching than any message I could have heard from behind a pulpit.
However, I am not saying just hurt people as much as you want and as long as you say you are sorry than it is okay! No, I applaud your desire to be a safe person, All the time. I wish everyone felt like you do...And reading about that little cute but sometimes beastly guy made me even more excited to see him soon...I miss you guys.
Posted by: jessic on March 26, 2006 01:45 AM
what is important is that you are a mother whose kids know beyond any doubt that they are loved, and the moments when you are less then perfect are small hiccups that don't shake their confidence and that foundation that they'll be able to rely on for the rest of their life. it's the single most important job of parents of young children, and I think you've done it admirably.
Posted by: jason on March 26, 2006 11:33 PM
coming from the other parent of those children, that is high and trustworthy praise.
Posted by: Jessica on March 27, 2006 12:27 AM
It really says something that the mean person is the stranger. Lyric was the first to say, that's not the real you.
Posted by: Ian on March 27, 2006 12:47 AM
You know, I have known you for a few years, Darbs. And there is always so much tucked away from the surface. And I just have to say you may not believe it, but you are incredibly strong. The "mean stranger" isn't you, it's the frustration of so many things that you can't control in your life. But the fact that you can put yourself out here like that is amazingly brave.
Posted by: min on March 28, 2006 09:51 PM
I'm sorry that Lyric had to hold all that in. I'm glad that she could run to you.
We have faith for you, Darbs. We know who you are, really. We can see what your ultimate future holds. It is glorious.
Posted by: Peaj on March 31, 2006 08:53 PM
Mean stranger. That's better than the name you said she has for me. :)
Posted by: Dick Ronkulous on April 4, 2006 05:34 PM
hey darby.
First i love you.
Second all you can be is who you are and that is perfection walking in who god is and who he has called you to be. I don't expect you to be perfect, i don't expect it for my self. It is good to strive for excellence but to make onself truly "perfect" in my mind is unreachable. i am thankful for you, and for your family. I am glad i know you.
I will pray for you i know there is complete healing for you. love ya
Posted by: beth on March 18, 2007 03:25 PM