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February 08, 2006
Dissociative Musings
I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, staring out the window at the dreary sky, and in the background my children are wrestling on my bed. At this moment, something strange is happening to me which has happened over and over again for as long as I can remember.
I feel like I'm outside of my own body. But I'm not quite certain where I am. I think this is fairly common. But it happens quite frequently to me.
Everything kind of slows down and I feel like everything around me is completely unfamiliar. Kind of like culture shock about being inside of myself and looking out from behind my own eyes. I look down at my hands and wonder what they are.
It's like all of the files inside of my mind have been erased and I have to make new categories all over again. I tell myself, I vaguely remember that this is called a hand. It is part of a body. Which is this unfamiliar lumbering mass that I do not recognize, but it seems I am looking out from inside of it.
It seems that everything I look at is completely new and strange, like I'm seeing it for the first time ever. Like my own face reflected here . . I don't know you. I know I should know you. . . I just stare and stare.
This has happened throughout my life, so I am able to compensate for it and still appear normal (I think.) Sometimes it used to last for days, but it is happening less and less frequently as I journey on through the exciting world of psychotherapy. But it is happening right now, and sometimes writing about it breaks me out of it.
I'm writing a song about this strange cloud that comes over me... I'll keep you posted.
Posted by darby on February 8, 2006 02:12 PM
Comments
you know, that would happen to me more often when i was a kid. I remember standing in the playground thinking, "what if I'm not really here at all. how do I know that I'm thinking this at all?" then I would think, "ok, when I thought that a second ago, it probably was me, but what about now?"
it's hard to explain, but it used to make me feel very strange for . . . a while.
but it doesn't really happen very often anymore. like very rarely.
Posted by: jason on February 8, 2006 03:10 PM
I used to be quite sure that consciousness was purely subjective and that subjectivity was 100% transferable by will. I thought that if I really focused and imagined life through the lense of someone else's perspective, I could morf into that person's being and then I would be them. I thought that the first person view of life was just what each person took in, and the world around us was the real only objective reality.
Posted by: Collin on February 8, 2006 08:51 PM
you sure you didn't just do some acid? happens to me, and while it happen, i beleive that my consciencousness has reached a new plan/realm of reality. then i remember, "oh yeah, man, it was the magic shrooms. yeah man."
Posted by: Jack Bauer ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.darbydinatale.com/nav-commenters.gif)
on February 9, 2006 05:54 PM
i'm way too much of a control freak for magic shrooms. but i wish i could say that was the problem.
Posted by: darby on February 9, 2006 08:43 PM